Raising Cain
What does a father do when his six-year-old is sad or angry? Does he respond in kind with angry words, does he pretend not to notice, or does he reach out to the son and try to address the underlying problem?...Contrary to some fathers' fears of creating a "crybaby" by coddling an emotional son, a father who accepts and assists his son in distress helps him grow stronger emotionally...These are fathers who will gently help their sons with the hard tasks of growing up rather than try to harden or toughen the boys to match a tough world. In our work with boys, we find that the ones who are most prone to break down when the going gets tough are those who have been raised with the idea that to admit vulnerability, even to themselves is to be weak. -Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys by Dan Kindlon, Ph.D. & Michael Thompson, Ph.D.

Why is it that expressing vulnerability, some emotional response, is a sign of weakness in our culture? For some reason, it is acceptable for women and girls to show vulnerability, but it is not for men and boys. Does this mean that we are teaching our boys that expression of emotion is to be like a girl, who is presumably and acceptably weak? Why is it presumed that girls are weak by nature? I don't think girls are weak and I don't think boys should have to "chin up and take it like a man". I think a little vulnerability shown by all of us, adult or child, regardless of gender, is a good thing. It might validate someone else who feels the same. It might bring us a little empathetic compassion from others. It might bring us happiness and peace with ourselves, if we can be more honest with ourselves and those around us. I'm sure sometimes, it might bring us more pain too. And sometimes, pain can elicit change. And sometimes, after the change, good things can happen. Positive things that can bring us some joy, some spirited life, some peace, some movement forward in our analysis of ourselves and our situations and lives. Change prevents stagnation. I don't want to live in a swamp, with no new life. No new living thing breathing and inspiring new life to breed. I'd much rather live in an ever-changing ecosystem teaming with life. I'm sure there will be neighbors in this eco-system that I am not going to appreciate or like or want to spend lots of time with. But there should be plenty of other neighbors who can add a dimension to my existence that makes it all the better to be alive. How can I ever relate to them with depth, without an expression of emotion or a moment of vulnerability. There is a children's song that my son loves on the channel Noggin, sung by the Laurie Berkner Band called, "I'm not Perfect". In simple language (this is not a direct quote from the song, exactly), like a child, I'd like to say, well, I'm not perfect. I'm just me and that suits me just fine. You're not perfect. You're just you and that suits you just fine. You like apples; I like bananas and we both like oranges. So, let's meet in the Orange Grove once in awhile and the rest of the time, we'll do some different things. Perhaps, we should respect our children more, even if they do like apples instead of bananas and we really wanted them to like bananas because every other little boy in the family likes bananas. There are lots of cool things about apples.